Something’s going on with the two tomato plants growing on my porch: They’ve suddenly stopped turning red! OMG, does that mean they’re gonna turn blue before November? Ha, ha. No, really, there’s actually lots of GREEN tomatoes remaining green, and they aren’t likely to turn red or blue in the near future. Can plants join political parties? Can they even party at all?

Maybe they’re pondering onion-izing alongside Amazon and Starbuck workers, but instead of going for more water, f...